Relationships Are Hard

A few years ago, I went through a rough period of time that included major surgery on my spine and back, a surprising end to a year-long relationship and the unexpected loss of a professional job - the latter two of which took place while I was having to learn how to walk again after having been in a paraplegic state for several weeks.

While any of those events would have been devastating enough on their own, the combination of those trials took a toll on me on a physical and emotional level. I didn’t react to the break-up as I would have hoped and I still have bad memories about how I handled myself during that time. Sure, it was a thoughtless and disgusting move by the person involved given the timing and the circumstances, but I have certainly had better endings to relationships than that one. 

The thing is, relationships are hard. Whether it is the beginning of one, the end or somewhere in the middle of the actual relationship, it seems like you are always wondering, frequently working and constantly worrying about something. You spend so much time at the beginning focused on making a good impression, then you find yourself shaping a new or at least slightly adjusted version of yourself to make your relationship work as it hopefully but at least potentially grows into something more permanent. And, as I found myself going through again last week, the end leaves you wondering what happened, worrying about what you are going to do next and working on so many levels to just get through the next day, the next hour, the next moment.

As I said, relationships are hard.

The problem with getting started each time with someone new is that we all have something or more than one something about us we probably don’t like all that much that we are reluctant to share. It might not rise to the level or a red flag or skeleton in the closet for us, but it is something we know makes us different. For many, it might not even be something that we have the ability to change. It might be an unusual habit, a favorite show or song that only you like, or maybe a physical abnormality like a rash or mole or even a significant disability that has developed over the course of one’s life. Regardless of what that something is, the thought of having to communicate that with someone new, and then repeat that process in additional relationships until you get it right can be downright annoying.

The people who seem to succeed the most are those that are able to find a comfort level with who they are and then are able to find someone who either accepts them on that level or just happens to share those same “flaws” or personal traits. Either way, it is a constant struggle getting started and knowing what to share and what to hold on to until you reach a stronger comfort level with the new relationship you are attempting to establish and grow.

Because, as I mentioned before, relationships are hard.

On top of everything else you have to deal with when you get into a relationship are those little things that can sometimes lead to bigger issues. Picking the right side of the bed, dealing with snoring, finding shared TV shows to watch, working with different job schedules, communicating too little or too much - all of these and many more questions come up early and often, and can generally lead to problems that can negatively affect going forward.

When you finally meet someone you like and you’ve made it through the initial process of getting to know each other, there are even more complications and complexities. You spend more and more time around each other, and that’s when the actual relationship becomes hit or miss. And when it’s a miss, you either know it is inevitably going to end or you get blindsided. Typically, neither is a good thing.

Once the bomb is dropped that it’s over, you have to face the facts. But that’s often a major barrier to moving on, especially when you aren’t really sure what went wrong. Many have regrets and wonder if they could have communicated better, shown more appreciation or spent more or less time with their partner. And some relationships end with a person looking to be overwhelmingly honest, which can often be hurtful and annoying. Others refuse to tell the real reasons for their decision to go another direction and just give an excuse to avoid a deeper conversation. The thing is, break-ups are just never going to be comfortable no matter how it ends.

And for those who are fortunate enough to find that one person who wants to be with them in the beginning, middle and end, you want to make sure you let your significant other know just how much you appreciate them. Give them a huge hug and make sure they know how you feel. It’s a blessing when it happens, and for many of us, it hasn’t yet. Because, as I have mentioned before, relationships are hard.