The Emotions That Come with Death

Some of you may have noticed that I have attended more than a handful of funerals the past couple of years. It is only because I have. In fact, I have probably known more people who passed away the past two years than the entire 45 years prior to that. Some might call that an aberration while I’m sure others would just say it is a byproduct of getting older.

The last funeral I went to was among the toughest, mostly because it was so unexpected. He was the spouse of a former co-worker and a friend, and I hated to see her have to go through the emotional process after she found out her husband had died in a motorcycle accident. Seeing the emotions on her face the day of the funeral was tough, and the mood at this particular funeral was far more somber than any of the other funerals I have attended the past two years.

The surprising thing is that the other funerals had a much more upbeat feeling to them. When people have time to process the imminent death over a period of time, it seems to help people with their perspective on how they want to grieve during the funeral. More and more people seem to be willing to treat it as a celebration of life rather than the loss of someone close to them.

To me, there isn’t a right or wrong way to approach a funeral. Each person’s emotional reaction should be unique to them and they shouldn’t be forced to feel a certain way. If a person’s death is overwhelmingly troubling, you should allow yourself to be touched in that way. One person’s celebration of life may be another person’s worst feeling ever, and there is nothing wrong with either of those.

Probably the worst feeling for me in terms of death was losing my Papa, and over a decade later I still miss him. I was better prepared for the loss of my sister a couple of years later and it showed as I was able to remain somewhat stoic and unemotional throughout the process of setting up the funeral while mourning her loss. I’m sure there were some who thought I should have been more emotional while dealing with her loss, while others may have been somewhat surprised at just how upset I was at losing my maternal grandfather. I couldn’t have predicted my state of mind with either one.

Some things will probably be a constant at funerals – the overwhelming number of flowers, the stiff yet methodical walk of the funeral directors, or the handful of people who are completely clueless as to how they should dress to this type of event. But how people are going to react to the moment is more unpredictable, and that is something that should never change.