Drive-Thru Etiquette for Dummies

I was sitting in a fast food chain drive-thru the other night when I started wondering about the original purpose of the drive-thru. As I suspected, it was to provide a quicker way of providing food to consumers.

In my research (also known as Google), I discovered the first drive-thru began in 1948 at In-N-Out Burger in Baldwin Park, California, where five cooks worked in a 100-square-foot burger shack while a “No Delay” sign urged motorists to drive in and get their food fast.

The reason I was wondering about this is because of the ridiculousness that is the modern-era drive-thru. Here we are 68 years later, and the one constant that seems to occur at all of the fast food drive-thru joints is a lack of delays. Which brings me to point out some issues out there that people don’t seem to understand when it comes to drive-thru protocol.

First of all, if you have a vehicle full of drunken morons (sober idiots count as well) all wanting to place an individual order, go inside. The drive-thru is not for people who need to place multiple orders. If you have multiple orders and you don’t want to go inside, then you need to learn some basic math skills or just learn how to use the calculator that is on all of your electronic devices. You will not add 15 minutes to everyone’s dining experience because you want to be selfish.

Speaking of that, if you have an order that is going to require even the smartest fast food employees from being able to put it together successfully, then you need to go inside or call ahead. Yes, I said call ahead. I can appreciate as much as anyone wanting them to hold the onions on all your food but that is simple. Asking them to hold the onions on two of the items and to hold the pickles on one of the items and to hold the tomatoes on three other items while asking for extra sauce and light ice in two of the drinks is asking too much. Fast food is not for you, diva. Win the lottery and buy your own franchise and enjoy the power.

Also, if you have something that is significantly larger or smaller than a standard vehicle, go inside. That same night I was pondering drive-thru etiquette, the idiot driving a monster truck much too large for his driving capabilities decided to suddenly go in reverse, nearly clipping my car. There is a special place underground for that redneck. And also a place inside to place his order because he shouldn’t have been driving his massive truck in a space built around accommodating normal-sized vehicles. I think it goes without saying - semis are for highways, not the drive-thru.

And for those of you who want to attempt to trigger the drive-thru intercom while riding a moped, it doesn’t work. So, go inside. And then stop spending money on fast food, and use the money you saved to buy a real car.

If you have a trailer hooked up to your truck, you also get to go inside. Drive-thru etiquette involves spacing that allows for a specific number of cars ranging from the window to the intercom. The local mowing service guy’s truck and trailer with grass flying off into my open window just doesn’t work. Go inside.

Lastly, there should be no more than a couple of feet between you and the next vehicle. If this is too difficult for you to deal with, go inside. I shouldn’t feel the urge to push your car up a couple of feet so that I can pull up and talk to the guy who keeps asking if he can take my order. You’re an idiot who shouldn’t be driving anyway and you need to go inside.

Hopefully somebody has learned from this today. And if you haven’t, then I think you know what you need to do. Go inside.